Breaking Patterns

Name: Anonymous
Location: Fort Worth, Texas, USA
Occupation: Mother, Wife & Yogini

Photo by Margie Woods Brown.

Photo by Margie Woods Brown.

I’ve learned a lot of amazing things on my mat, with incredible Forrest Yoga teachers and friends in my community. These women are inspiring; sharing and being authentic in the quest for wholeheartedness and vulnerability. Yes, vulnerability. It’s something most people let shame them, yet on our mats we sweat out more than just the toxic substances in our bodies. We sweat them out of our hearts and minds.

As Brené Brown says, by giving a voice to your story it can no longer shame you. We are talking about her book in our bad-ass group of women that comes together weekly to commune on our mats, sharing laughter, our thoughts and dinner afterwards. I’ve decided to drop my sh*t story and let go of the shame that I have allowed to hold me back. So here goes a bit of authenticity for ya: I am a foodaholic. I have let myself eat to numb out for too long. I am done. Really done. Not just “ok, yeah I do this and it sucks but I will stop…for a while,” but Really. Effing. Done.

It makes sense that I am mainly Pitta. I am out of balance, and have been for who knows how long. I’ve tried to numb myself with easy solutions since I was 16. Honestly, when I look back, I am amazed that I graduated in the top of my class. Not even my parents had a clue what I was up to. My regular escapades to Austin and Denton were just another way for me to escape. When I stopped that, I unconsciously switched to food. Gaining and losing the same damn 30-40 pounds for years is frustrating. Stress=food=guilt. It doesn’t leave me any more relaxed anyway. I’m going to stop getting in my own way.

forrestyogasuppliesI often wonder what would have happened had I fallen in love with my mat instead of food. Is this why I crave the roll and core work? Even when it makes me want to puke or cry, it can also make me laugh, depending on the day. It’s accountability at its finest, most physical reminder. Binging and eating crap does not get along well with the roll, but when I don’t do it the roll feels fantastic!! I guess I’ve been asleep in my core for a long time, and this waking up is a sort of deliciousness that has nothing to do with chips and queso.

And I love it.

I haven’t binged since last Tuesday. When I want to reach for my skinny, can’t-gain-weight-to-save-his-life husband’s chocolate stash, giant bowl of candy, tub of Blue Bell, or just overeat in general, I stop. Drink water. Breathe. Do a heart opener and core work. Grab my new roll, lie over it in boat or cobra, and breathe some more. Then I congratulate myself for catching it. This is a formula Ana Forrest uses to break patterns that do not serve us. I know it isn’t about the number on the scale, but I feel better, and that number is consequently dropping fast. I hope to fit into the jeans I wore a few years ago, instead of attaining a number of pounds. I want to be comfortable in my own skin again. I’m choosing to break this pattern, and I am inspired daily by these amazing yogis I sweat it out with at my local yoga studio.

Embody the feelings you want to attain, because you are them now. Not in the future.

I AM authentic, strong, and healthy. What are you?

The writer is a mother of two, a wife, and a woman who is learning to navigate from the edge of her mat. She cherishes her family and friends, they all mean the world to her. Grateful to be surrounded by an amazing and ever-inspiring yoga community, she rushes to throw her mat down on the bamboo floor whenever possible. She lives for the moments when she can read a great book with a ginger Kombucha, and savor the joy found in the everyday moments in life.

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